Goofy criminals

I know we all deal with strange, kind of kooky people almost on a daily basis depending on your job description.

In my previous job, I dealt with the public on several different levels, many times a day. I got to realize that there was a huge spectrum of personalities out in society. Many times, each incident seemed easy enough but the people involved made it very difficult to resolve. I also realized, in the criminal world, there are the same types of people involved while committing crimes.

A little research resulted in finding, even by my standards, some really screwed up criminals. Some of these were overseas and I had never heard of these incidents.

In Australia in 1989, a martial artist, after receiving his first degree black belt in Chinese Kung Fu, believed his level of expertise gave him the skill and power to kill a wild animal with his bare hands. He decided to test his martial arts abilities by driving to the zoo, breaking in and jumping into the “lion’s den”, literally. Evidently, lions do not play fair and engaged in mortal combat. Police and zookeepers located what was left of the martial artist, which were his hands clenching lion fur.

In 1994, a terrorist organization in Jordan ordered attacks against all Jordanian stores that sold either videos or liquor. A 31-year-old terrorist, had accepted $50 in US currency to place a bomb in a Turkish movie theater. He entered the theater clutching his bomb, and then noticed the movie that was playing on the screen. He became engrossed in the movie as it was a Turkish pornographic movie. He had never seen this type of cinematic art and was intrigued. He placed his bomb package underneath the seat he sat and watched the movie. 10 min. later, the bomb went off, removing both his legs and his testicles. His penis was removed with surgical precision and was found safely inside his right hand. He never made it to the hospital to have his appendages reattached.

On April 1, 2010, Somali pirates purposely attacked the USS Nicholas, a guided missile frigate. The Pirates were armed with AK-47s, RPG's, pistols and grenades. The USS Nicholas is armed with 40 anti-ship missile, one three-inch artillery rifle that fires 120 rounds per minute, two triple tube torpedo launchers, 4 .50 caliber machine guns and a 120 mm computer automated Vulcan Gatling gun that fires 4500 rounds per minute.

Evidently, the Pirates failed to notice the weapons on board of the USS Nicholas, the U.S. Navy steel gray paint, and the 453 foot length of the ship which is considerably larger than the private yachts that they are accustomed to attacking. The pirates fired first with their small arms. The sailors immediately returned fire with the Vulcan cannon shooting down three of the four RPG's. The 50 caliber machine guns disabled the pirate skiff. The one grenade that made it through the firestorm struck the hull of the USS Nicholas, denting it. The three pirates on the boat surrendered and, after retrieving the prisoners, the USS Nicholas overpowered the mothership, which was a converted ex-shrimping schooner, and captured the rest of the crew.

We all know and respect Chuck Norris.  He has trained with Bruce Lee, has several degrees in various martial arts including his own hybrid concoction of fighting skills. He is an accomplished actor and is well known for training other fighters. In 1994, at the beginning of his fame as " Walker, Texas Ranger", he was walking down the street by himself and noticed two men walking towards him. Both men were slightly larger than Chuck and they were walking directly at him. He noticed that both men were staring right at him and assumed that they wanted autographs. So he walked up to them and stopped with a smile upon which they immediately produced two large pocketknives and demanded that he give them his wallet. They further stated that they knew who he was and that he had lots of money and instructed him to give it up or he was dead. When all was said and done and the police responded approximately 4 min. later, both the men were sitting on the curb with compound fractures of their arms and the two bloody knives laying in the gutter. Chuck was leaning against a wall wearing his beard, jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat and just shrugged at the officers. The police laughed so hard that they bent over, holding their sides and took some time to compose themselves enough to handcuff the criminals. One of the officers asked the failed muggers if they knew who they attempted to mug. One of them said," yeah, we knew who he was, but we figured all that crap on TV was fake!"

Then there's the story of a purchase of a radio system by a police department for tens of millions of dollars, only to find out the department was bilked out of its money for a system that's been proven not to work…

Who's the criminal? The company that sold the radio system, or the purchasing agent(s) for the police department that that didn't do their research?

Three guesses?